Primaries In Oz

In a satirical take on the primaries in Oz, Dorothy has been eliminated due to her insensitivity, leaving four competitors: The Wicked Witch, The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Woodman, and The Scarecrow. Each faces challenges and uses dubious tactics to win over supporters.

By Paul Edwards

Well, the primaries are under way in Oz, and heating up rapidly. Since Dorothy was eliminated early on in the contest for a variety of shaming observations and flagrant hate speech, both of which abuses caused serious mortification and chagrin in her rivals, the field is down to four. It was thought a shame by some that a supposedly decent and sensitive Dorothy had shot herself in the Ruby Slippers, as it were, by saying and doing things that might have offended and/or lowered the self-esteem of a wide variety of tender, vulnerable persons by her reckless pronouncements.

As is well known, it is laudable and enthusiastically approved in these contests to advocate the wholesale murder of so-called people who are recognized as being of no value or import to America, but one must never say anything that is likely to cause pain or discouragement to any of the multitude of special components of our own electorate. Advocating remote murder of people one doesn’t know is fine and healthy, but the bruising of feelings or the making our own people feel threat or shame is strictly forbidden and unthinkable. Many fabulously wealthy major funders of universities are threatening to withdraw their bounty from institutions where feelings have been hurt and real grief has been caused by cruel and injudicious remarks.

The field was down to three after Dorothy was banned, until the Wicked Witch of the West made an aggressive move with the financial backing of the entire tribe of Winged Monkeys, a wholly owned subsidiary of shadowy sorcerers, the diabolical Koch Brothers, of whom one is said to be dead, though still politically active. The Witch, renowned for her violent, fiendishly cruel views, has already moved ahead of The Cowardly Lion, The Tin Woodman, and The Scarecrow as the next debate looms.

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The Cowardly Lion, thought by many to be least likely to emerge victorious, has transformed himself to some extent by finding the courage he had long sought that has enabled him not only to attack the Great Oz, who disdains to participate in what he calls stupid spectacles, but also to castigate the others with being insufficiently critical of that mysterious, distant figure. This has had the effect of irritating them all since their efforts are focussed on treating him gently so as not to permanently alienate his great mass of adoring backers. Their intent is to displace him from his exalted stance but not so rudely as to lose the chance to enlist his supporters in their own campaigns. The Lion has made that delicate task rather more difficult for all of them.

The Tin Woodman, whose difficulty with his rusty joints has been widely derided, has also suffered criticism for his awkwardly introverted persona, and the downright repulsive rhetoric in some of his brusque, rude, and glowering moments in the public eye. Lately, it seems he is having trouble holding his creaky campaign machine together, suffering some notable defections from his inner circle, and some unpleasantness regarding his use of solicited monies. However that may be, his great trouble, as perceived by the public, continues to be the one he has battled from the beginning of his candidacy, which is lack of a heart.

The Scarecrow, never one to worry about what comes out of his mouth or to check the rabid flapping of his lips, continues to entertain with his vacuous blather, all attributable to what he himself has said results from his unfortunate lack of a brain. Without one, he can still yammer and denounce his rivals, but he seems unable to distinguish between misogyny, sexism and sober discourse, or to tell when what he bloviates is baseless blame or witless praise that damages himself, and so his quest seems unlikely to prevail unless he can find and install that organ which in him is so sorely and evidently lacking.

The Wicked Witch, however, is dead sure, so to speak, of her ground among this battle of contending warlocks. She is so secure as front runner because her whole focus and intent is the promotion of magical cruelty. That, you will say, is what witches do, and you’re right, and it is exactly what has brought her the support of the vicious Winged Monkeys and their sorcerer CEOs. She, who was formerly intent on getting and destroying Dorothy and her little dog, Toto, has been able, since the girl disqualified herself, to turn her whole attention to the ruin and destruction of everyone else, not least her rivals. Her one apparent weakness, and one that can be mortal, is that she is put in a position where she can only damn with faint praise the Great Oz, because she needs to woo his vast army of Munchkin backers away, though they are determined to make Oz great again behind their idol.

For all the quartet, the critical hour approaches. In the upcoming convocation—it is not called a debate because no actual issues are to be discussed in it—they must each find effective ways to damn and defame each other with sufficient vigor to sink the others’ campaigns without in any way appearing to be overtly beholden to The Great Oz, who looks on the fray, if at all, with the jaded and jaundiced eyes of a powerful magician.

From his protected position, manipulating in serene command from behind the curtain of impenetrable obfuscation, The Great Oz seems to feel no need to engage with his inept and conflicted adversaries, knowing, as he does, that he has both a great horde of the devoted faithful behind him, as well as the exalted heads of his party in Congress who, in their furious confusion, mutual antipathy, and absurd humiliation, have pledged what waffling allegiance they possess to His Bulliness in the coming election.

What was once a wild card in the mix, the candidacy of a sitting President of the nominally opposed party, has dissolved as thoroughly as the person of that President, generally recognized now as being dead and too dumb to lie down.

So, rouse yourselves, you people! Select your champions and prepare to vote. The fantasy democracy of Oz depends on it!

Paul Edwards is a writer and film-maker in Montana. He can be reached at: hgmnude@bresnan.net

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Views expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Information Clearing House.